He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Psalm 113:9
I remember a time I hated being a Mom. Gasp! Yes, I feel sick saying it aloud, but I hated it. The "what ifs" of fear ruled my life every second of the day...there was no peace to be found. I continually reached the "end of my rope" and wanted to run. The temper tantrums, strong-wills, challenges of teaching outside of the home, trying to be superwoman at church. Sure, I loved hearing, "How on earth do you do it all?", but always felt that I was about to snap in anger or just have an emotional break down.
I remember vividly sitting at the park watching Moms interact with their children with such joy, peace, and true contentment. That is what I wanted. To be able to set other things aside and enjoy my children, my role in life.
In 2010 I was on the verge of another breakdown and I was ready to give up. The dream of having a big family was fading because I didn't believe I could do it. This angry, fearful mother was ruining the 2 children I already had.
I signed up to go to the Titus Women's Retreat in picturesque Wilmot, Ohio through an invitation from an acquaintance...to get away with the Lord and sort things out.
April 21, 2010, I went to the altar and prayed with Linda Boyette. I don't remember everything she said, but one thing stands out...JESUS IS ENOUGH! And in that moment at that blessed altar, I knew what I was really missing was total surrender to Jesus. She had me read Ezekiel 36:25-27- (My own version) :)
I will sprinkle clean water on Heather, and Heather will be clean;
I will cleanse Heather from all of her impurities and from all of her idols.
I will give Heather a new heart and put a new spirit in Heather;
I will remove from her a heart of stone and give her a heart of flesh.
I will put my spirit in Heather and move her to follow my decrees and be careful to follow my laws.
After the realization of the power of that verse in my life, I felt the complete LOVE and PEACE of the Holy Spirit come upon me. A reassurance that everything was going to be okay. A realization that even when I mess up, Jesus is still there and He is still enough. It wasn't about me..striving, trying, struggling...it was all about Him. I just had to give in, surrender. And I DID! I surrendered...everything!
I went home to life...changed. Resting in Jesus. I can tell you today, 3 years later that He is still enough!
My little Ezekiel (Named from that verse) was born on April 20, 2011. He was my promise from God that He will equip me for the journey of motherhood. I have no need to fear. He is enough!
Praise You, Jesus, for the strength to surrender...daily.
Thank you that this verse is true in my life today...He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Psalm 113:9